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Life is a complicated, blind stumble through a crowded and messy pitched black room. I find myself in a constant struggle as I attempt to navigate a successful exit, to no avail.

Truthfully, nothing about it makes any sense what so ever. The task of figuring an exact purpose behind life is an impossible one, even for the smartest of people. Why does it always seem to be like two steps forward and one step back? My back is against the fucking wall and I am locked in, stuck.

I'm so frustrated sometimes, feeling as if I'm doing nothing but spinning my wheels. It takes so much effort to continue to spin spin spin and the realization that it continues to get me no where is entirely devastating. Years have gone by and it becomes increasingly obvious to me that time and time again I return to the same old patterns. Months and Months pass and inevitably I fall back to doing the same damn things. It's a cycle that is so engrained hopelessly into my chemistry that I wonder if it can even be overcome.

Old habits die hard. Yes, it's so, so true. Old habits die hard and I've been fucked up for a very long time in more ways than one. I can't even begin to explain it, as it doesn't even make sense to me...but I don't think I've ever been right and how do you fix something that has never worked to begin with?

I can't pin point any one thing, but for the first time in a long time I feel desperate for self destruction. It reminds me slightly, though not completely, of my former self. The self I was when at sixteen I began writing here in the first place. Maybe not self destruction exactly, but I do feel as if I'm avoiding something. There is something I'm not wanting to deal with and I don't even know what it is, definitively. At least that's what my actions reflect lately.

When I smoke shit lately it's like not good enough to just smoke, I want to smoke and smoke and smoke. Normally it's not that big a deal, I've always been able to smoke a whole lot. More than other people do and it doesn't interfere with where my life is going. I don't fall victim to most of the pit falls of other people that do meth. It's just makes me wonder, what am I trying to avoid? Why do I feel the need to be high all the time? Why can't I just be happy with smoking sometimes and being normal others?

Like tonight I basically just ran out and usually I don't tend to care, but a panic took over me. I felt the need to do something, anything to take it away. I wasn't even hungry, but I went downstairs and ate 2 bowls of cereal and 2 quesadillas chugged a diet soda and some water...then ran back upstairs and hurriedly threw up. It was so relieving. I haven't felt like that about b/ping in a long time... I mean I do it a few times a month or whatever, but there was a distinct uplifting of stress I felt, reminiscent of times in my past...which has always lead to my eating disorder kicking into over drive. Before now it still crept around in the background of my life, but it hasn't been front and center for almost a year now.

I worry about my weight a lot still, but I don't allow myself to gain. As soon as I think I am I just stop eating all together and maintain mostly...but then continue back to eating. don't know.It goes up and down, but not drastically. I keep gaining and losing the same 3 to 5 lbs. over and over, haha. Remembering how over weight I used to be even just 2 or 3 years ago scares me and I never want to return to that, but the emotional reasoning behind the eating disorders has been mostly kept at bay, I would say. I don't use it as a focus to run my life and quite honestly I don't miss doing so. It was something I really, really needed and held onto especially through high school and even a year ago still firmly grasped onto, but since then I've become more comfortable in the person I am and my own skin. I quit relying on it a great deal.
Maybe I'm just stressed.

The pressure of being now 20 years old and mounting expectation to go somewhere and do something productive with my life is eating away at me. I feel like one of those birds in the nest, pushed out to the edge and I'm either going to fly or fall.

Am I falling? Have I already? How do I know? Is it fixable. I don't project it, but I'm always worrying myself with this shit, especially when things start going wrong....and in my life everything goes fucking wrong at the same damn time. Somebody ran into me about a month ago and my car needs to be fixed, I don't have a job right now I need my dad to fix it, but he's putting all these conditions on me in doing so. I'm not going to school. I'm not doing what I should be, but for the most part I'm stable in other ways. x

*Sigh*

Just disheartening I guess, things seemed to be falling into place so much a few months ago...but now have shifted in other ways entirely. I guess only the future knows what's in store, perhaps I should relax and just see where it goes.

I mean, what other option is there? Ha. The only certain thing in life is uncertainty & the only absolute consistentcy is that time, no matter what, will keep on comin.